LIPITOR: Jarvik's Hair

Pfizer, not sure what you were thinking when you signed on Dr. Jarvik to serve as the voice of your product, Lipitor. Remember, on TV it's not only the voice, it's the appearance, and ... the hair. Yes, Dr. Jarvik's hair might be the most disgusting thing on TV right now. It's a gray, balding, shoulder length, jheri curl style that is impossible to ignore.

During the commercials, Dr. Jarvik is frequently seen jogging to demonstrate the vitality that Lipitor instills. However, when he's running, I'm not listening to the voiceover sales pitch. I'm watching the hair. The gray, balding, shoulder length, jheri curl seems to defy gravity and bounce with the vivaciousness of a young puppy. Lipitor could be the best drug in history, but during the commercials, I can't seem to concentrate on any of the benefits being described.

I'm sure Dr. Jarvik is considered a hero in medical circles and, hey, he invented the artificial heart for crying out loud. But, can these medical circles do an intervention or something and tell him to get a trim? And Pfizer, would it have killed you to replace him with an actor? Who the heck is going to know if he's the real Jarvik? Well, it's too late for that now. I guess I'll have to keep watching this hair- err -commercial as is.

QUICK HITS

Verizon, do you think you could show the commercial with the guy unplugging the Christmas scene a few dozen more times? It was mildly, and I stress mildly, amusing the first time I saw it. Now, after seeing it fifty times, I think I might smash my TV if I see it again. Just an FYI.

The FreeCreditReport.com commercials are so bad on so many levels, but I can't get that song out of my head- kind of catchy.

Hey, guy in the Subway commercial, I know you're excited about your "acting" career taking off and everything, but have you ever heard about a little thing called self respect? How can you degrade yourself on national TV by sticking out your ass and essentially admitting that you are significantly overweight? What did you get? A few thou for that commercial, ten at the most? I hope it was worth it. For the next six months when you walk down the street, people will point at you and say, "There goes the guy with the huge ass."

On the other hand, I really enjoy the other Subway ad with the ref who promises to penalize the other team in the second half because he blew a call. Funny, creative, and clever.

Budweiser, I saw that! I saw you refer to your beer as "The Great American Lager!" You thought you'd just slip the word, "lager" in there and no one would notice, didn't you? You thought that by calling yourself a "lager" you would appeal to a more trendy crowd and instantly upscale your beer, didn't you? Got a little news for ya: not gonna work.

It's official. I still hate Chad and the Alltel commercials.

FOX FOOTBALL: Seek and Destroy

Although technically not an advertisement, the robot that Fox has used for coming in and out of commercials during football games has outstayed its welcome. What is that thing anyways? Is it a robot, and if so, is it a human-friendly robot like C3-PO or does it destroy human life like the Terminator? Is it a Transformer, and if so, what does it change into? For Halloween, it had a jack-o-lantern as a head, but that doesn't really count as a Transformer. Having interchangeable body parts is more like a Mr. Potato Head, although this robot is clearly not organic. Regardless of its classification, it sucks, and it needs to be destroyed.

During the promo spot, the robot does the same annoying warm-up routine every time. It jumps up and down and points at the crowd to get psyched up for what we can only assume will be a robot football game. He pumps his knees so he doesn't pull his mechanical groin on a "go" route. Here are some questions: Why does the robot need to get psyched up for this robot football game? Shouldn't it be programmed to perform at peak operating levels at all times? Instead of pumping his knees, wouldn't some motor oil or WD-40 be more effective in preventing injury?

His routine doesn't matter; it just needs to end. Maybe if we can form a team of other lame, outdated robots to seek out and destroy this Fox robot, we will be free from its warm-up sessions fifteen times a game. If anyone knows how to get a hold of Data, Vicki, the W.O.P.R., a Cylon, Rosie, Twiki, Johnny-Five, or RoboCop, I think we could put an end to this. Let me know.