AIG: The Little Twerp

The word, "twerp," is a seldom used word in today's society. For those unfamiliar with the term, the Merriam-Webster dictionary basically describes a twerp as an insignificant person or a person who is worthy of being despised. Pretty harsh. Because it's used so sparingly in casual conversation, one could say "twerp" is almost as taboo as the "f" word or even the dreaded "c" word.

That being said, the kid in the AIG commercial is a little twerp. He's not cute. He's not adorable. He's a little twerp. Probably the most unappealing part of watching the AIG commercial is knowing that the kid is trying to "act" cute. The cute-attempt is transparent and therefore makes the commercial almost unwatchable. One of the most interesting characteristics of this commercial is how the annoying factor seems to compound itself over the course of an afternoon or evening of watching television. About the third or fourth time the kid starts complaining about supplemental health insurance, any viewer could potentially have a nervous breakdown.

And not to harp on the poor kid, but why is he all cocked to the side and bent over? It looks like he might have a load in his pants. So, not only is the little kid an annoying twerp, he probably doesn't smell that good either.

Poor little kid, I'm sure he's much easier to take when he's not "acting cute" in commercials.

ALLTEL: I Hate Chad

I don't like Chad in the Alltel wireless commercials. There is really no rhyme or reason as to why I don't like him- I just don't like him. I'm sure he's a really nice guy when he's not doing the Alltel stuff, but I can't make that assumption. I am going to have to continue not liking him until proven otherwise. I can't pinpoint what I don't like about him. Maybe it's his presumptuous, excessively mussed, trendy haircut. Maybe it's that he has no personality and comes across as a deuschebag. I don't know.

Now, the Alltel commercials themselves are just plain stupid and the actors playing the rival phone carriers are also annoying. I understand that the point of the commercial is for the rival phone carrier people to be annoying, but I think they are unintentionally super-annoying.

It's not as if I dislike all wireless pitchmen. For instance, Catherine Zeta Jones for T-Mobile was, well, awesome. The Verizon wireless guy is cool, too. He seems humble and interesting.

In fact, I bet the Verizon guy could beat the living crap out of Chad. I would like to see that in a commercial.

FORD, CHEVY, AND TOYOTA: Ridiculously Tough Trucks

OK, we get it, Ford, Chevy, and Toyota. Your pickup trucks are tough. They can withstand strong winds blowing across a harrowingly narrow road and not get blown off a huge cliff. They can hang upside down and still hold a motorcycle strapped in the truck bed. They can undergo an extremely elaborate uphill towing and downhill braking test and stop just in time to avoid falling off another huge cliff. They can even stop a C130 airplane with their antilock brakes. We get it.

A couple of years ago, you could get away with showing some cinderblocks being dumped into the bed of a truck, or a truck towing another car out of the snow or something. Not today. Today, if you don't have a multimillion dollar piece of equipment or a cliff involved in your demonstrations, you are a freaking wuss.

Those huge demonstrations are cool and all, but I don't think they get at the heart of the product. Here are some demonstrations that I think would be more realistic:
1. The Ford on the side of the road, crapped out after seventy thousand miles.
2. A driver passing out on the gas station concrete when the pump crosses through triple digits.
3. A truck with raised suspension, a Calvin NASCAR "pissing" sticker, and rebel mudflaps two feet from your rear bumper, tailgating you at 75mph.

Somehow, I just don't think those demonstrations would be tough enough either.

CIRCUIT CITY: Ditka? Elway?

Elway and Coach Ditka? Could we get any more boring with our selection of pro atheletes?

What do these two have in common anyway? Yes, they both played and/or coached NFL football, but why these two exactly? They were never on the same team and never did any broadcasting together. I'd almost rather see Ditka with Jim McMahon sporting an eighties headband, or Elway with a mumbling Shannon Sharpe. Now that would be better. You can almost envision how the hiring of these two took place at Circuit City:

Exec 1: How are we coming on that football promotion?
Exec 2: Pretty good. We have some responses from the NFL stars we asked to sponsor Circuit City.
Exec 1: Great! Did we get Tom Brady?
Exec 2: No.
Exec 1: How about Brett Favre or Donovan McNabb?
Exec 2: No and no.
Exec 1: Well, we must have gotten Peyton Manning!
Exec 2: He actually declined, sir.
Exec 1: OK well what about the retired guys: Coach Ditka, John Elway, and OJ?
Exec 2: OJ said he had to attend a memorabilia convention or something, but Ditka and Elway agreed to do it.
Exec 1: Hmmm. Well, both of them are pretty boring. Maybe if we have two boring guys that will be equal to one exciting guy. Let's just hire both of them.
Exec 2: Excellent idea, sir.

I have a feeling Circuit City will be a frequent participant on this site.

CITIZEN WATCHES: Eli Manning- Stoppable

Editor's note: This was actually much more appropriate in December of 2007 after Eli was terrible and had thrown 20 regular season interceptions. As of 2/4/08, Eli could certainly be considered "unstoppable" after becoming the MVP of the Superbowl.

Citizen, I'm sure it was a simple mistake. A bunch of your marketing types were standing around the water cooler one day when the following conversation ensued:

"I hear there's this football player named Manning who is really awesome and doesn't care what products he endorses. He endorses everything!"
"Sweet! Let's get him to do one of our commercials. I know. We'll liken our watches to this Manning fellow and say they are both unstoppable!"
"Great idea! We're all going to get a huge bonus this year!"
(laughter and cheering)

Citizen, the Manning you were looking for is named Peyton. Peyton Manning, not Eli. Even Archie Manning would have been OK, but you were definitely not looking for Eli. Eli Manning is not a good football player. In fact, you could actually make the argument that he sucks pretty bad. One thing you cannot say, however, is that he is unstoppable. Believe me. He is very, very stoppable.

Realize that every time your commercial airs, millions of football fans all over the country are laughing at you. I'm not sure what angle you are going for with the whole Eli/watch comparison anyway. Are you saying that your watches will not live up to the hype and ultimately disappoint millions of people? Are you implying that your watches will crack under pressure and fail on a weekly basis?

If I were you I would head over to your water cooler, fire everyone in sight, and pull the commercials immediately. But dammit they are everywhere, so that makes it infinitely more difficult. I've seen Eli and the Citizen watch in magazines, on TV and even at bus stops. Citizen execs must get chest pains when they see Eli, their watch and the huge bold print UNSTOPPABLE! all together on one huge billboard.

After you’ve pulled all of the ads, call Peyton. I'm sure he'd be up for a new endorsement.

SALESGENIE.COM: Puppies! Puppies!

The little girl starts off by whining about her family’s finances. Apparently, Mom relayed to the little girl that her dad was some kind of deadbeat but that things are now looking up because of Salesgenie. Although it is strange for a 6 year old to be talking about the family's finances, I can suspend disbelief for a moment on that. The most interesting part of the commercial is when the now successful dad brings home two puppies as a present for the little girl. She then stops in mid sentence and screams, "Puppies! Puppies!" This is where the Salesgenie people lose me.

So, let me get this straight. If I use Salesgenie, I will succeed in business and make enough money to buy...puppies? Since when are puppies associated with material wealth? If we follow that logic, Cesar Milan must be a billionaire. Apparently, tonight I should go to the pound and bring home like seventeen dogs- I'd be rich as hell.

So clearly, dogs are not a sign of wealth. Now, if dad pulled a plasma screen out of the trunk or better yet had a hot blonde sitting in the car with him, that would be more representative of a successful, wealthy businessman. That would also teach the Mom to stop yapping about the family's finances to the little girl.

FLOMAX: The Pal-ing Around Old Men

Although this commercial was mercifully pulled from the airwaves this year, it has a special place in my heart because it is ultimately what inspired this blog. This ad was so freaking horrible that I just had to write about it. Even if it is no longer on TV, it will live on forever here as the worst commercial ever (until further notice).

Here is the original review:
I get pretty pissed off every time I see the Flomax commercial, which is just about every TV timeout of every NFL football game. Over the course of a Sunday, I will have watched the jovial old men bike, kayak, grill and "pal around" for almost an hour.

I don't know, you tell me. Does your fifty to sixty year old father kayak? Does your fifty to sixty year old father bike in the woods? Mine sure as hell doesn't. And he certainly does not hang out with three other dudes on the weekend unless the sport of golf is involved. Even then there is certainly no "pal-ing around" with the other members of a foursome.

"Pal-ing around” for those of you not familiar with the term is the act of joking, rib punching and general grab-assing done by the gentlemen in the Flomax commercial. "Pal-ing around" is only acceptable in society when performed by males under the age of 16 who are trying to pick up a chick for the first time. Because teens haven’t yet hit on chicks, they are limited to lame routines such as "pal-ing around." This is acceptable as I said because there is nothing else in the playbook. For fifty to sixty year old men, “pal-ing around” is not acceptable at any time, ever.

Now that we have that established that, I will take a quick moment to ensure you that I do not wish to minimize or trivialize the symptoms for which Flomax is used. I know the prostate has been the butt of many jokes in the past, but I don't think it's that funny. In fact, I don't even want to think about it.

I am just having trouble getting my arms around why a healthy prostate means I have to go hang out with other old dudes and pal around. I guess I am missing something.